Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
