I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
this is an emotional support booty call
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
