The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
