it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
