why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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