Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
