You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
