He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Drunk is not a location!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
