her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
