Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
