My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
my liver is dry heaving
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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