It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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