ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
