Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
