so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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