saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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