So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
