dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
