never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
