Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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