i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
