i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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