the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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