So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
