Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
