I didn't shave. On purpose
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
