My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
