my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
if only i could text you this smell
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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