i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
