are you so shy because you have an std?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
