I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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