I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
