You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
