i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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