if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
