Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
