Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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