Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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