it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
