did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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