I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
