Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My vagina is officially offended.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
