ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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