Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
