I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
