i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
