3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
