The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
