My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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