I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
