my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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