I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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