Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
