Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
