I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
