tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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