Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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