Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
