I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
