I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
